Prayer Must Come Before a Quick Answer

I know that those who are giving me advice about what's wrong with me and what I should do to "fix" myself or to help me get better are all well intending and meaning to be helpful. However, the advice brings me much more discouragement then encouragement. I feel hurt and neglected as a result. I mean one persons advice, after I told her that I lost 10 kg was "oh just lose 2 more kg and then you will be healthy enough to get pregnant" others advice is oh maybe this is wrong with you or maybe that... Others still say, try this thing or that thing and you know it worked for so and so... 

But what has left me the most hurt and the most discouraged is this; this Christian community is so quick to give advice, but not at all quick to say a prayer for me. Even when I spell it out and say "what I really need right now is prayer." 

What I really need - deep down in my heart I know it's what I need - is people to pray for me. To lay hands on me and simply come over me as two or three and lift me up to Jehovah Rapha. The God who heals, because no matter what advice is given, only prayer matters in the end. 

We must always remember to pray first and give advice second... Because without prayer, advice is given in our own strength and not of the Holy Spirit - and yes many times well meant advice is not at all life giving. 

At my counseling session on Thursday the counselor asked me, what would it take for you to tell people that what you need is prayer? I said well I already have said that and I've been still discouraged with the responses... So now I am thinking of shouting it from the roof tops, maybe  then this community of Christians will understand my brokenness and my need to receive prayer...? I can only hope and pray that I will not be left feeling neglected and disappointed once more. 

So next time please pray first and give advice second - and only if it is Holy Spirit prompted. 

Giving Glory to God in Prison

Some days I'm truly amazed at God's sense of humor. That He would send me inside a prison to hear a sermon that echoes everything that He has been teaching me these last several months. My heart was truly broken yesterday as I listened to uncle speak the truth of God's words to my dear friends behind bars. While I am sure uncle intended the message to be related to the deep hurts and sin bondage of the women, who knew that it would be so applicable to me that I would be holding on to every tear I wanted to cry, and turned them into prayers for myself and my friends. 

The main message was about Colossians. Uncle started with Colossians 1:10, which reminds us to live a life worthy of pleasing God... Which echoes the very thing God started teaching me 1 year ago that I shared in the prison in September 2012. It's almost as if its a full circle, and I can't wait to share with Rosemarie, one of the two foreign leaders inside, a Filipina and an amazing English to Thai and vs. versa translator, about the impact of the message on me. 

Uncle reminds us of the truth of spiritual growth explained throughout Colossians, some in 1:14, 2:6-7 and so forth, that we must be rooted in Christ and grow through strength, and patient endurance. The last year of my life has been nothing but that: growth and spiritual transformation... A laying down of my pride and rooting of myself more deeply in Christ. I can't say that I am where I need to be, but progress is good. My courses have aided in this, and I am working toward living a more godly life. A human being, not a human doing.

There is one sinful part that I know still remains in my life, which is fear. 

God spoke to me a lot the last few weeks about my foolish fears, and how the saving "face" culture has been allowed by me to wreak havoc on my true self and identity in Christ. But this last thing is taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and echoed in Colossians 3:1-5 with new life in Christ I must set my heart on heavenly things, not worldly things - uncle challenges the women in this regard - and then stresses the must to put to death the sinful nature. He gives examples like, maybe you were a prostitute or a drug trafficker, or maybe you killed someone, etc but this is the only time the word of God gives us permission to kill, and that is to put to death the sinful nature. 

Well, my sinful nature is fear. Fear of what people think, fear of being shamed, fear of humiliation, fear of disappointing others, etc. and often related to saving my own "face" or the "face" of those I'm in community with. Sin, sin, sin! Fear of being shamed, is sin! Because it leads to horrible roots of judgment, fear of judgment and a cycle, but lets save that for another posting about "face."

Uncle challenges us finally with Colossians 3:17 

Do everything we do to the glory of God... How does my fear glorify God... It doesn't. It shows just how distrustful I am. That's sin. 

and 3:23, the full circle here we go -

Do everything as if working for The Lord and not humans, ah I look at Rose and she looks at me, this is my verse from last year, and yet I know in my heart it's still a struggle because of my fear, my fear of what people think of me... I may not be working for humans anymore, but I still struggle with seeking their approval (the other verse which I shared also last year Galatians 1:10).

My sin, and fear of being shamed or humiliated is soooooo magnified in this saving "face" culture and has been an open door for my enemy to plague me and cast me down to ruin, but no longer! I desire to follow Colossians 3's rules for holy living so that I can truly experience the peace of Christ. 

I am so thankful for the message; feeling yucky, wrecked with a migraine, desiring to love on my friends and give and get a few hugs, I went in perseverance to the prison despite poor health and God blessed me. Whether the women were blessed in the same way I don't know, and maybe I will never know... But the important thing is I'm forever changed because of it, and I'm seeking after that peace more and more. Fear has no place in my life, and as a process of getting rid of it, I'm looking towards those rules for holy living in Colossians 3. 

In turn I was able to pray, in Thai over the women with life sentences. I prayed my heart, and I'm not entirely sure what I said, because I don't remember. I don't know if my grammar was accurate, but what I do know is the Holy Spirit was present, and it was Him who was truly praying, and for that I give God the glory. I was caught up so much in the spirit of praying that it was as though I were in heaven and was only brought back to reality by the frequent echoing of the church members "amens." So thus I was living out Colossians 3:17, praying in Thai not caring if I made mistakes but all to God's glory. Amen!

Eucharisteo After a my First Thailand Car Accident

I've had some of the best days and some of the worst days this week. But, Wednesday of course I attended the fourth session of our Esther Bible study. Beth Moore lectures us on Esther's fear and there are blanks to fill out. The blank that says And if ____ then ___ (where we filled in my God only after the "then" indicating whatever the if is, then God...) really applied to me on Thursday of this week. One of my "if then's" of course is getting into an accident. I am also reading the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp for the ICS book club. It's about living in Thanksgiving, living out the Eucharisteo daily. Giving thanks in everything. So, on Thursday I was feeling pretty yucky. But I had to run to school before I could go to the hospital for my stomach dr. appt and to pick up some paperwork. Duang asked me to move the car so she could clean the porch as I asked her. Even though I know better than to drive when I feel so yucky, I thought what could happen on the way to school, I got this. I didn't cover it in God's grace but just did it. When I got to school, there was a truck coming out of the parking lot, and I was right in front of the steps by the large white pillars and since he was turning and doing something seemingly wonky, I was watching him, and not at all what I was doing. I totally bashed right into the big white pillar. It was like bump, and I just parked the car, and the guard was coming over to me, I waied (Thai greeting, or apology) him and apologized and he said nevermind, how about the car. So I turned to look and it was sooooo bashed up in the front, that I thought wow, how is that possible I barely even felt anything. So anyway I got my documents, told Allen about the car and rushed off to my dr. appt feeling even more ashamed and noy jai (Thai for hurt but also with loss?) at the idea of the rumors that would soon be spread around or community about what an idiot I am. I was at the breaking point Thursday. I made it through the hospital without balling my eyes out, and didn't have any trouble with the medical insurance this time, praise God! (I have had problems with our new insurance 2/3 of the last times at that hospital). Then I went back to school to meet the auto insurance guy. At this point I had gotten a nice message from someone at school who had seen what had happened reassuring me that she had done the same things. Mixed emotions filled me; shame and gratitude resulted, but it allowed me to look at the accident as a representation of my life. I'm so busy worried about everyone else (the truck), what they think of me and what they are doing and about pleasing others that I have not/was not taking care of myself (burn out) and so my life is the car. Damaged and broken. But, when we took the car to the service place to find out how long it would take to get parts, etc, I could really see the if ___ then my God. Because not only was this a part in healing me from the shame and working towards not giving a X about what people say or think of me in this community, but God led me to meet a little boy whose mom is already referring to him as a girl, and for the result of the accident I have been praying for this little boy, and this is my Eucharisteo. My thanksgiving. If the accident had not happened then I would never have encountered this little boy, seen his mother's interaction and been granted an opportunity to pray for him. This is the seeing the good in the bad for this traumatic experience I have encountered. I know God is going to do something amazing - and Satan does not want that to happen and so I am under a fierce attack. I need your prayers now more than ever. This is especially necessary because the dr.'s are now all saying that they believe my sickness is anxiety related, to take a rest and to go on vacation, etc. etc. I mentioned to the dr. that I had just done that and when I came back everything was in full force and I felt the worst I had in over a month. Yep - he says, that's stress and anxiety. I suppose I knew all along that my stress from burn out had manifested into full fledged anxiety, but I was in total denial until this week. God grant me to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to know the difference...

Breaking the Spirit of a Judging Community - Sept. 11, 2013: 11:06 PM

The last few months I've been prayerfully searching and considering what makes me fall into such people pleasing and performance oriented behaviors in Thailand. It's come to my attention and Allen's too, that it is an attempt to please or appease the community at hand. The reason this differs from any other community I've lived in is because the community as a whole here, both Thais and Foreigners, are much more judgmental of people (especially the Christian community). So I find myself falling into a false self or false identity in order to please some individuals so that I might gain their favor and have them look upon me without judgment. 

It's such a stronghold here. One that satan takes immense joy in. Not only does the hierarchical society play a role of a judging spirit (have and have nots) causing everyone who "has not" to attempt to "have" in order to be accepted, with repeated failure; but it also carries into the foreign community. Why I see foreigners judging more here than anywhere else I don't know. I am not saying that I don't fall privy to it. You know what they say about bad company corrupting good character. Some days I have to fight against "godless chatter" and I find myself missing the old secular "gossip." 

Allen and I have been discussing how we can be advocates for change for this; first and foremost by not falling privy to it on our own... But sometimes it's difficult when saying anything to community leaders falls on deaf ears, false promises are made or glares of satanic evil are sent in my direction. 

I know that a lot of my last part of healing since burnout requires the dark places of judging and being judged to be healed, but I am just not sure what the next steps are. Until that happens, we will pray and seek the Lords guidance and I will reflect on Romans 14 and 2 Timothy 2 for God's good guidance and love. 

Art Therapy - Sept. 2. 11:29 PM

Today I went and took an art therapy class. It was put on by a partner ministry and they invited me to join. It was really awesome. I have really been anxious since moving to Bangkok over 4 years ago and I just can't plum figure out why. I know without a doubt God has us here and there is something big he has called me to do. Yet I am filled with so much anxiety about nonsense. Stuff that shouldn't even be on my radar as a worry is. Today got me thinking. I haven't had a therapy outlet here. I can't remember the last time I just went out with my camera to shoot for fun. I've scrap booked once. Poetry, forget it, it hasn't even been on my radar. Blogging, hardly done it. Today was the first day drawing anything and I enjoyed it immensely. A piece was born out of the overflow of my heart related to the beingness in which God desires me to live. I began with a heart Gods heart for how he desires me to be out of the overflow of my heart, my true self. Out of the heart come 9 different colors. I'm not exactly sure what each of them mean, or represent but I am excited to find out. Yet here I am awake. I had only 5 hours of sleep last night because of anxious thoughts and such I was dozing and ready for bed at 8:30, so was Allen. We tried to stay awake by watching a tv show. Afterwards at which time people began writing me on Facebook messenger and on Line and my peaceful sleepily state went into full drive ahead and resulted in the anxiety that has kept me up and tossing for minutes upwards of 30 maybe even 45. However, I have decided to engaged in another type of therapy, that which is this, journaling/blogging in attempts to reduce my anxiety. I know that peace is available to me through Jesus Christ, but what is it that keeps me at an arms reach? I wish I knew. 

The Power of Expectation

I've been reflecting on the power that expectations of others has on me. To me it seems that it would be normal to expect things that seem common courtesy. A greeting of hello, an apology, a reply phone call. But then there is this extreme I take it to. As if some injustice is done to me because my expectation wasn't met. However, small or large it may have been. It may have been that I expected a quick reply to a message I sent, and days or weeks later I am still waiting. Or maybe it was that I expected a word given "I'll call you" or "I'll be there" to elicit a promise kept. So when those things don't happen I wallow in the "have nots" of disappointment from my "expectation," whether it was a known one by the other party or an unspoken one in my mind and heart. The idea of how much I struggle with unmet expectations I have on others is troubling. One might say the source is almost down right confusing. In childhood I had expectations of certain individuals in my life that were never or rarely met. I was constantly let down. So one would think from a psychological perspective that I should have very low expectations of others... But what comes to mind is transference. One particular individual that frequently left me expecting had mutually high expectations or standards of me that I always strived to please this person and live up to their expectation. I did it because I lived in fear of abandonment by this person. There were times when the threat of abandonment was heavy. So I suppose in someway, I learned the behavior of expecting things was normal... And somewhere down the line I thought, surely I can expect people to not let me down like these others in my life had previously. But alas, people are people and they are sinful. Promises get broken and expectations turn into turmoil when they are not met... But yet, how does one get rid of such expectations? Realistic or not?

Desiring a Welcoming Pass Back

Jesus didn't feel welcome in his hometown, but why is it that among people of my own kind that my hometown can be the most welcoming? I have this thing where if I don't feel welcomed by the host or people there I just won't go there or avoid it at all costs. What's the point of going somewhere you're not welcome. Generally, I don't ever get that unwelcome feeling with the Thai people. Foreigners living in Thailand, now that's a whole different ball game. It's like trying to play basketball with a baseball bat. Maybe it's because people are selfish or maybe it's because they are fearful of me rejecting them or maybe they just plain don't like me, whatever it is I don't get it. If its personality type I'm putting it straight. You don't tell me you want me there but say something like, well I have been busy but you can stop by, after being asked 2x within two weeks if you wanted to meet up while I was around and free... That doesn't exactly scream welcoming to me and so I'm going to back off and say well if you don't want me then I don't want to be there. Telling me you're busy is putting the ball in your court in my book of rules. If you don't pass the ball back I won't be here waiting to receive it. I'm out looking for the person who is willing to help me improve my game. So when I'm struggling the most in a country of welcoming people but yet not feeling welcomed by my own kind I really miss home a lot. It makes my heart long for people of my kind that will pass the ball back (or that Allen spoke Thai). Tonight is just one of those days.